I finally got my act together with uncertainty. Here are two recent clips of our work on uncertainty in which I get it RIGHT. The first one was a quick blurp I uploaded to the consultant as soon as I got off the phone to make sure I was on the right track.
The second one shows the culmination of what we have been doing after one week of steady explorations of uncertainty. Steve left for Chile yesterday. Whenever he heads south, people invariably email or call him and beg him to pick up the latest gadgets and toys. Sometimes, he is finds himself carrying more stuff than necessities (clothes, toiletries, etc.). On this trip, he dedicated a small carry-on bag to things for other people. Unfortunately, he had to be at work by 8 o'clock for an important meeting and three UPS deliveries would not be arriving until later in the morning. That meant the kids and I met Steve at the airport (a 2.5 hour round trip for us). Fortunately, I needed video and the trip gave us many ways to explore uncertainty!
My consultant and I agree Pamela is ready for the next level. We are going to skip a step that Pamela can already do (solving a problem or finding out when she realizes she does not know). Our new level is when I know something, but Pamela does not know. I am transferring to her the responsibility of her telling me when she does not know. This may sound obvious to a neurotypical person, but we need to make sure that Pamela recognizes that she does not know things that other people might know. At first, we thought I might have to scaffold this discovery by stopping and gaze shifting between something she does not know and her face. Pamela caught on IMMEDIATELY and she took my breath away. There are times in the video clip below in which I did scaffold with a declarative comment like, "I bet you don't know where we are going."
Today, we did have a moment of uncertainty in which Pamela was unhappy and did NOT reference me at all. The kitchen radio cut out for a few minutes; and, no matter how hard I tried to let her know that I did not know when the radio would be back on air and smiled, she was too upset to feel reassured. Hopefully, some day, our work on uncertainty will help her deal with situations like this better.
Showing posts with label productive uncertainty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label productive uncertainty. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Undoing 27 Years of Military Training
Changing my parenting style is so difficult and brain-numbing. The latest twist is to say those dreaded words. What dreaded words, you ask? Well, back in the summer of 1981, the very first thing I learned at the boat school was the five basic responses of the plebe. There are only five ways we could respond and saying the wrong thing could cause your squad leader to yell at you at the top of his lungs with about one inch between his nose and yours. The five basic responses were "Yes, sir!" "No, sir!" "Aye-aye, sir!" The answer or "I'll find out, sir!" It took quite a bit of yelling and screaming in my face for it to be drilled into my head to say "I'll find out, sir!" instead of what most people say when they don't know. Yes, those dreaded words, "I don't know, sir!"
What does this have to do with parenting? My RDI consultant has wisely observed that Pamela has a difficult time living with uncertainty. And, when I think about it, her worst crying jags (short, but intense) are caused by true uncertainty. For example, we do not know how long it will take for power to come back on when it is out. We do not know when the cable box will come back on if it dies. We do not know when Steve will come home if his flight is canceled. We do not know how long a traffic jam will last (especially if we are late for a very important date). This kind of uncertainty does cause Pamela to become unglued because there is no answer and know predicting when we will have an answer.
While what we were doing was helping, I did not have it quite nailed. I was just letting uncertainty flow into little guessing games, which misses the point of living with uncertainty. The following two clips show how I have been missing the boat because knowing that there is an answer if you wait long enough sweeps away uncertainty in Pamela's mind.
Keep in mind--what we are doing was sweet and fun, but we were NOT working on uncertainty, which was the objective! The focus is that we don't know and we can live with not knowing. The key is to stop and freeze that moment of uncertainty in time so that Pamela has time to process that I am perfectly fine about not knowing. She needs space around the "I don't know" moment so that it will register as being a neutral moment for me (and I hope she will reference that and decide it is neutral for her, too). We do not need to play guessing games or solve the problem because, in our messy world, that is not always possible. Sometimes, there is no answer or solution.
Once Pamela relaxes and accepts being uncertain, we can resume the action and go back to what we were doing, which may very well include solving the problem or finding out the answer or living with uncertainty even longer! The problem with this is that it will be hard to record these moments because moments of true uncertainty happen unannounced. You almost need TiVo in your eyeballs!
In the past day, I have already seen how hard this is for Pamela. For example, Pamela loves commenting on which car Steve takes (one car does not have a radio and she loves her music). The first time she asked me what car he was taking I did the slow, neutral, calm "I don't know which car Dad is taking" and started World War III! She kept rotating between the three car colors (red, gray, or black). I must have repeated the "I don't know" mantra about eight times. She was not happy and fussed and blustered at me. She gave up. A minute later, she ran to the window to see three cars still there.
Later, I tried the IDK car mantra again. I was unable to prevent her from running to the window to check to see Steve switching around cars. Later, Steve was busy switching cars around. I tried the IDK car thing, and Pamela got so frustrated she used her power words. After guessing each car several times, she finally said, "Failed. Game over!" Aha! I thought she thinks it is a game in which there has to be an answer. Not knowing is not an option in this game. So, I said to her, "This is not a game. I don't know which car Dad is taking. It's okay." FINALLY, she got it. Pamela relaxed, nodded, and smiled back, then went back to eating!
Later in the day, we were coming back from picking up Pamela's dinner. We always do that on my choir night. As we turned onto our street, we saw Steve drive off. Pamela asked, "Where's Dad going?" I stopped the car (we live on a dead street) and said, "I don't know" and smiled. She smiled back and let it go! NORMALLY, she would have said something like, "Daddy's getting gas" which is what he usually does when the price of gas is low. After we got home, I walked into the office/TV room and said, "I don't know where Dad went." I was relaxed and neutral. Pamela nodded and smiled back!
That does not mean she has mastered this concept in a day. The true test will be the next time something unpredictable happens for which we have no answer.
What does this have to do with parenting? My RDI consultant has wisely observed that Pamela has a difficult time living with uncertainty. And, when I think about it, her worst crying jags (short, but intense) are caused by true uncertainty. For example, we do not know how long it will take for power to come back on when it is out. We do not know when the cable box will come back on if it dies. We do not know when Steve will come home if his flight is canceled. We do not know how long a traffic jam will last (especially if we are late for a very important date). This kind of uncertainty does cause Pamela to become unglued because there is no answer and know predicting when we will have an answer.
While what we were doing was helping, I did not have it quite nailed. I was just letting uncertainty flow into little guessing games, which misses the point of living with uncertainty. The following two clips show how I have been missing the boat because knowing that there is an answer if you wait long enough sweeps away uncertainty in Pamela's mind.
Keep in mind--what we are doing was sweet and fun, but we were NOT working on uncertainty, which was the objective! The focus is that we don't know and we can live with not knowing. The key is to stop and freeze that moment of uncertainty in time so that Pamela has time to process that I am perfectly fine about not knowing. She needs space around the "I don't know" moment so that it will register as being a neutral moment for me (and I hope she will reference that and decide it is neutral for her, too). We do not need to play guessing games or solve the problem because, in our messy world, that is not always possible. Sometimes, there is no answer or solution.
Once Pamela relaxes and accepts being uncertain, we can resume the action and go back to what we were doing, which may very well include solving the problem or finding out the answer or living with uncertainty even longer! The problem with this is that it will be hard to record these moments because moments of true uncertainty happen unannounced. You almost need TiVo in your eyeballs!
In the past day, I have already seen how hard this is for Pamela. For example, Pamela loves commenting on which car Steve takes (one car does not have a radio and she loves her music). The first time she asked me what car he was taking I did the slow, neutral, calm "I don't know which car Dad is taking" and started World War III! She kept rotating between the three car colors (red, gray, or black). I must have repeated the "I don't know" mantra about eight times. She was not happy and fussed and blustered at me. She gave up. A minute later, she ran to the window to see three cars still there.
Later, I tried the IDK car mantra again. I was unable to prevent her from running to the window to check to see Steve switching around cars. Later, Steve was busy switching cars around. I tried the IDK car thing, and Pamela got so frustrated she used her power words. After guessing each car several times, she finally said, "Failed. Game over!" Aha! I thought she thinks it is a game in which there has to be an answer. Not knowing is not an option in this game. So, I said to her, "This is not a game. I don't know which car Dad is taking. It's okay." FINALLY, she got it. Pamela relaxed, nodded, and smiled back, then went back to eating!
Later in the day, we were coming back from picking up Pamela's dinner. We always do that on my choir night. As we turned onto our street, we saw Steve drive off. Pamela asked, "Where's Dad going?" I stopped the car (we live on a dead street) and said, "I don't know" and smiled. She smiled back and let it go! NORMALLY, she would have said something like, "Daddy's getting gas" which is what he usually does when the price of gas is low. After we got home, I walked into the office/TV room and said, "I don't know where Dad went." I was relaxed and neutral. Pamela nodded and smiled back!
That does not mean she has mastered this concept in a day. The true test will be the next time something unpredictable happens for which we have no answer.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Uncovering Uncertainty
Today we celebrated Veteran's Day by attending our town's first annual Veteran's Day parade, which started promptly at 11:00 AM on November 11. Bravo Zulu to all of you veterans who served our great country! Thank you for your service!
After the parade, Pamela and I collected some fall leaves for a friend in Florida, whose children have never seen snow, much less autumn colors. We are goint to try to rectify that situation in a small way. It is a lot easier to mail leaves than snow! Afterwards, Pamela enjoyed the neighbor's swing before we headed into the house to get ready to hit the store.Uncertainty about Hidden Things
We continue to investigate what forms of uncertainty make Pamela anxious enough to go static and stimmy. I am fairly certain that not knowing what hidden things are do not fluster her one bit. This package for someone at church has their name in care of me. It sat in Pamela's view all day and she never asked what it was and to whom it belonged. She does not the recipient, and I am surprised she did not ask.
After the parade, I put two of these buttons in my jeans pocket. Before we left for the store, I put my hand in my pocket and said mysteriously, "I have something in my pocket." When she asked what it was, I smiled but didn't give her an answer. She showed no interest until I mentioned it again in the parking lot. I put one on her zipper handle and began jiggling it. She said, "Rattle!"Uncertainty about Directions
Pamela has a keen sense of direction, partially because of her eye for pattern and because we have been so many places. She was born on an island in the Aleutians, halfway between Russia and mainland Alaska. She has lived in thirteen different homes, not including three weeks in a high-rise apartment in Santiago, Chile and three weeks visting family in El Salvador. She does care about routes and even tells Steve which road to take home sometimes. I tested her yesterday and today by taking round-about ways to wherever we were going. In both cases, we traveled down streets we have never seen. Pamela asked, "Where are we going?" I scaffolding by telling her our destination and adding, "We are exploring right now." Pamela was not a bit angry or concerned. In fact today, she said, "New. Brand new" when we entered an unfamiliar neighborhood.
Next time, I plan to remove the scaffolding by having a destination in mind, but not tell her. I am not sure how Pamela will take that level of uncertainty.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Best Laid Plans
I made my first contribution to a blog carnival (see the little icon below the Halloween photograph), the Fifth Charlotte Mason Blog Carnival, hosted by On Our Journey Westward. You can enjoy past editions or contribute to the next one!
Yesterday, I had a craft all planned, and it fell apart, which is typical for me. The reason why Pamela has a head start on flexible thinking is because I can be so ditzy. I bought some paint for this spinning art project and went to look for the lazy Susan where I keep my spices. I should say, KEPT my spices. I have used it for YEARS, but it did not fit very well in the cabinets of my new house. Until I started looking for it, I had forgotten that it is packed up in a box somewhere OR worse, sitting ON a thrift shop shelf here in town. I am not really certain where it is.
So, at the last minute, I ran to the computer, googled paint and crafts, and found a very long list of potential ideas to explore uncertainty with Pamela. I wanted a craft that was easy enough for Pamela to figure out by referencing my nonverbal communication. I chose crayon stained glass because she has never made crayon shavings, and I already had everything (except the wax paper, so I decided it would be a Christmas ornament).
We made two "balls" and glued them back to back. Today, we will punch a hole and add string. I am pleased because Pamela referenced beautifully to figure out what to do without me saying a word. At first, we tried peeling thick crayon with a vegetable peeler, and I saw that it was too awkward for Pamela. Then, we switched over to the pencil sharpener. You can see how well Pamela will check me to see if I think she is on the right track. At one point, the crayon broke and Pamela read my nonverbal communication to get a blade! Pamela must have been thinking we were sharpening crayons at first because, when I pointed out the full shaving container, she pointed and said, "Trash!" Later, she asked, "What's that for?" I answered mysteriously, "You'll see!" The first clip spotlights the intial nonverbal communication and Pamela's ability to reference to resolve uncertainty. In the second clip, we use more verbal communication as most of the uncertainty is what to do is resolved.
You would think *I* had had enough UNproductive uncertainty for one day, but the iron bit the dust, right before our very eyes! For some mysterious, unfathomable reason, the power button dislodged in a weird way and refuses to turn on the iron. Yes, I meant refuses. I have the worst luck with mechanical things and, if something is going to break, it will break under my watch. I really did nothing special to break it. I didn't even drop it. I thought Black and Decker appliances were supposed to be indestructible, but, at least, the iron lasted longer than the electric can opener--I used that twice before it bit the dust. In fact, I don't even remember when I bought the iron, so that is pretty lengthy for my track record with appliances!
Yesterday, I had a craft all planned, and it fell apart, which is typical for me. The reason why Pamela has a head start on flexible thinking is because I can be so ditzy. I bought some paint for this spinning art project and went to look for the lazy Susan where I keep my spices. I should say, KEPT my spices. I have used it for YEARS, but it did not fit very well in the cabinets of my new house. Until I started looking for it, I had forgotten that it is packed up in a box somewhere OR worse, sitting ON a thrift shop shelf here in town. I am not really certain where it is.
So, at the last minute, I ran to the computer, googled paint and crafts, and found a very long list of potential ideas to explore uncertainty with Pamela. I wanted a craft that was easy enough for Pamela to figure out by referencing my nonverbal communication. I chose crayon stained glass because she has never made crayon shavings, and I already had everything (except the wax paper, so I decided it would be a Christmas ornament). 
We made two "balls" and glued them back to back. Today, we will punch a hole and add string. I am pleased because Pamela referenced beautifully to figure out what to do without me saying a word. At first, we tried peeling thick crayon with a vegetable peeler, and I saw that it was too awkward for Pamela. Then, we switched over to the pencil sharpener. You can see how well Pamela will check me to see if I think she is on the right track. At one point, the crayon broke and Pamela read my nonverbal communication to get a blade! Pamela must have been thinking we were sharpening crayons at first because, when I pointed out the full shaving container, she pointed and said, "Trash!" Later, she asked, "What's that for?" I answered mysteriously, "You'll see!" The first clip spotlights the intial nonverbal communication and Pamela's ability to reference to resolve uncertainty. In the second clip, we use more verbal communication as most of the uncertainty is what to do is resolved.
You would think *I* had had enough UNproductive uncertainty for one day, but the iron bit the dust, right before our very eyes! For some mysterious, unfathomable reason, the power button dislodged in a weird way and refuses to turn on the iron. Yes, I meant refuses. I have the worst luck with mechanical things and, if something is going to break, it will break under my watch. I really did nothing special to break it. I didn't even drop it. I thought Black and Decker appliances were supposed to be indestructible, but, at least, the iron lasted longer than the electric can opener--I used that twice before it bit the dust. In fact, I don't even remember when I bought the iron, so that is pretty lengthy for my track record with appliances!
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Referencing to Resolve Uncertainty
One of my goals for Pamela is to borrow my perspective when she is unsure. This can be tricky to frame because I have to think of new things for her to do. This week, I found two lifestyle activities that were short and told me that Pamela is referencing me to resolve uncertainty when she is unsure.On Wednesday, Pamela refilled the suet cage. She tried opening the wrong end (where the hinge is) at first. Then, she turned to the other end and glanced at me with a questioning look. I nodded, so she persisted until she opened it. She cut the plastic off the suet but was not sure if the plastic container went in the cage, too. Pamela glanced at me to make sure how to do it! Then, we went to hang a bell feeder. After she cut off the plastic and cut string, she was not sure how to string it. She pointed to the hole and looked at me. I made a motion of putting my fingers to my mouth, pretending to wet the string. She has done that before with her sewing and very quickly imitated the action!
On Friday, we went to Wal-Mart and did the self-checkout. Since it was a small shopping run, I wanted to pay in cash for she was used to credit card. I got Pamela's attention and opened my wallet, She pointed to the word Cash on the touch screen and glanced at me. I nodded and handed her a large bill, so she pressed cash. Then, she pointed at the cash slot and looked at me, just to make sure. I nodded. When she saw the coins, she knew where to put it for I had the coin purse in my wallet unzipped. Neither one of us knew where to find the bills. The machine kept talking to us (driving me crazy) and finally I spotted the cash dispenser under the scanner. I exclaimed, "I found it!" She looked at me, and I gazed at the cash dispenser. She found the bills in no time.
Now, I have to think of some more new things to try next week.
P.S. I am doing some Snoopy Dancing. I just received an email from Amazon that they have shipped the DVD Amazing Grace, due in my home on or about November 19! I can honestly say that this biopic with great production value and a great message is the best movie I have ever seen. I was so entranced by the vision presented that I could not watch television for about two weeks because it was so lackluster and lacking in soul and spirit. In case, you missed this little gem it is about how William Wilberforce fought to abolish slavery in England and how he eventually won.
P.S.S. I just found an opportunity to resolve uncertainty for next week in a completely new activity! Hearing Journey has a suggestion to make an iron-on transfer for a pillow. Pamela has never done this before, and she could do this with me as her guide! (Remember this activity will disappear by the end of the week.) That got me to thinking about making a tie-dye T-shirt for another day. Plus, on one of the RDI lists, they mentioned using a salad spinner for art--Pamela loves doing abstract, creative things with paint. I wonder if this will work with the cheap lazy Susan I already have. If not, we can turn it into a shopping trip and let her follow my cues in locating a salad spinner!
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Dynamic Puzzle Building and Another Praise Report
Every Tuesday morning, we attend our youth group's prayer breakfast at Hardee's. This morning, Pamela did something completely new! Usually, she just has a meaty breakfast and, if she wants carbs or fruit, she will eat them at home. Today, she heated some pancakes we made last Saturday and packed a Styrofoam plate, fork, pancakes, maple syrup, and gf/cf margarine in a plastic shopping bag. My brain can barely make it to the car before seven in the morning!
Pamela does not usually interact much in a large group. When it was time to go, Pamela turned away from the table, getting ready to leave, too. The pastor leaned over and said, "Bye, Pamela!" Pamela turned to her, waved to her, and said, "Good-bye!" This was a striking enough difference that the paster looked at me and said, "Wow!"
My parent goal for myself is to try to be more clear in my signals that we are finished so that Pamela does not bolt. The other one is to foster more declarative comments, especially ones focused on emotion, but keep them short with plenty of pauses for Pamela to add her comment.
I have been thinking our puzzle-building has gotten a little static, and today we had a great time. My role is to hold the box and lift it up so that she picks a random piece (simply because it affords more opportunity for productive uncertainty and for her to read my face for information). The puzzle-making was more lively because we were making declarative comments while building the puzzle. At one point, she tried peeking in the box, so I began to shake it, saying "Earthquake!" She laughed and thought it was hilarious (unknown to me, we have been working on flexible thinking for years and she likes unexpected things most of the time). Then I had a tidal wave, bumper cars, and bunny hop with the puzzle box. I tried to only spill out a couple of pieces at a time. She laughed and thought it was funny. I did not do this all the time because it would get stale. But, I did it enough that there was some anticipation of fun every time she had to pick a piece.
My father is really helpful, too, because he is so random (which he passed onto David). My dad is working on our front porch and heads to the back yard from time to time for wood or some other supplies. He knows that Pamela loves watching people with broken VCRs and DVD players on You-Tube. She stims on one in particular in which a teen-aged boy breaks a video tape by slamming into his head. Juvenile, but Pamela thinks it is funny. She is too smart to do it herself, except for the time she drew a picture of a videotape, cut it out, and imitated the clip.
My dad has picked up on that, so today he walks to the sidewalk, picks up a flower pot, and says, "Hey, Pamela, I'm going to break this flower pot on my head." She yells out, "No! Don't do that! You're joking!" She was smiling, so I could tell that she knew Opa was playing a joke on her.
Pamela does not usually interact much in a large group. When it was time to go, Pamela turned away from the table, getting ready to leave, too. The pastor leaned over and said, "Bye, Pamela!" Pamela turned to her, waved to her, and said, "Good-bye!" This was a striking enough difference that the paster looked at me and said, "Wow!"
My parent goal for myself is to try to be more clear in my signals that we are finished so that Pamela does not bolt. The other one is to foster more declarative comments, especially ones focused on emotion, but keep them short with plenty of pauses for Pamela to add her comment.
I have been thinking our puzzle-building has gotten a little static, and today we had a great time. My role is to hold the box and lift it up so that she picks a random piece (simply because it affords more opportunity for productive uncertainty and for her to read my face for information). The puzzle-making was more lively because we were making declarative comments while building the puzzle. At one point, she tried peeking in the box, so I began to shake it, saying "Earthquake!" She laughed and thought it was hilarious (unknown to me, we have been working on flexible thinking for years and she likes unexpected things most of the time). Then I had a tidal wave, bumper cars, and bunny hop with the puzzle box. I tried to only spill out a couple of pieces at a time. She laughed and thought it was funny. I did not do this all the time because it would get stale. But, I did it enough that there was some anticipation of fun every time she had to pick a piece.
My father is really helpful, too, because he is so random (which he passed onto David). My dad is working on our front porch and heads to the back yard from time to time for wood or some other supplies. He knows that Pamela loves watching people with broken VCRs and DVD players on You-Tube. She stims on one in particular in which a teen-aged boy breaks a video tape by slamming into his head. Juvenile, but Pamela thinks it is funny. She is too smart to do it herself, except for the time she drew a picture of a videotape, cut it out, and imitated the clip.
My dad has picked up on that, so today he walks to the sidewalk, picks up a flower pot, and says, "Hey, Pamela, I'm going to break this flower pot on my head." She yells out, "No! Don't do that! You're joking!" She was smiling, so I could tell that she knew Opa was playing a joke on her.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)