What Do You Do with Criticism?

During a state conference, when I began working with Ellen Weber, someone asked a question that I perceived totally "put down" brain research. Ever experience that?

My defense quickly emerged. I explained findings that defended why Mita brainpowered strategies work. Since this was my first time to receive critique during a presentation, I did not realize the more I defended, the more my critic chimed up to prove the opposite.

Though one woman in an audience of fifty people, she was able to divert the attention of all, as we were ten minutes into the program. But once launching this defense, Ellen soon diverted everyone's attention by asking a question that roused curiosity. We were back on track.  As a result I began to reflect and change my approaches to critique.

This was an early and necessary lesson as I began the Mita work to facilitate change of long established methodologies by innovating effective solutions with the brain in mind. If you are an innovator, you soon learn how to deal with making mistakes related to critique.

"We don't want people to tell us something negative," Karen Wright declares, "unless we ask for it and are ready to hear it. And defensiveness is a natural first response. If you're on the receiving end, take a deep breath." Our strong reactions to negative feedback connect tightly to the way our brains work.

Interestingly, the human brain processes positive and negative data in different circuits. And, negative tracks are hypersensitive compared to positive ones, according to John Cacioppo, neuroscientist at University of Chicago. And, bullying happens, but in today's world where it may threaten your standing, "it is far easier to use feedback," Scott Young at Lifehacker advises, "instead of automatically assuming it is a personal attack." No wonder my initial reaction was to defend, since I sacrificed to help Ellen get Mita Leadership launched well. In my mind, the woman's words were a "put-down" to all I stood for.

Learning to orchestrate well!

The trick is to learn strategies to effectively deal with initial critique:

1. Separate yourself from emotions "Whether you are with someone you love, hate, know little or just met," Bala says, "in the first moments when you realize that you are being criticized you will react the same. Your heart beats faster, skin temperature goes down and you even lose peripheral vision. Because you feel under attack, your first instincts are to focus on that feeling, making it more intense. You will then feel like withdrawing or retaliating. Just remember that both instinctual responses are akin to saying, I don't like your comments therefore I will give you more power. Attempt to do neither as both fight or flight responses leave you with fewer options, not more."
   Imagine a triangle of three contenders, the critiquer, yourself and the topic of criticism. In your mind's eye see both yourself and the critiquer staring at the criticism to solve together, rather than using sharp points to take each other out.
2. Thank the person for the comment This can be disarming.  It takes away the need for one person "to be right."  It gives you the presence of mind to move ahead.
3. Ask a two-footed question that leads to exploration of other possibilities.  You might start in this way... "What ideas have you used in past to overcome...?"  "What has worked for colleagues who faced the issue of...?"  
4. Take it as advice and learn from it.  Though it may have seemed negative initially, what can you learn that might assist in improvements?
5. Ignore it.  Take space to consider it later.  
6. Offer to answer later  Often, a criticizer will have more important things to do later and will not take the time.  If genuine and she wants to help, then ask questions that bring more understanding.  If meant to diminish, the critiquer lost an audience and will merely leave.
7. Let go of it If you linger on negatives, you give your brain a message that you don't have what it takes to accomplish your goals.  The more you let that notion fester, the worse it becomes in your mind.  Instead, let it go as soon as possible and concentrate on new strategies to overcome future darts that may come your way.

These strategies work.  One of the brilliant things about Ellen Weber is that she welcomed me as a collaborator not long after I started working with her, though I saw myself as unready.  That meant she was willing to let me make mistakes and grow into that "crown" she saw for me. There's no easy way around it - mistakes teach us more than our successes.

Truth is that I dwelt on my failure at that early conference for several days following. Though Ellen recaptured everyone's focus and made the most of time remaining, I felt horrible.  I grew new skills to learn from mistakes and change as a result of the incident. 

How are you equipped to handle criticism like a maestro and use it to your advantage?

Don't fear the pauses!

Are you familiar with the term, "pregnant pause"... a pause long enough to make you nervous when you're speaking to a group? When you introduce novel strategies or new information, unearthly silence can follow a thoughtful question you ask. What you do with a pause can make or break a presentation.

Treat silence as your ally... it provides a window of time for people to tap into their brains and play more of a role... bring ideas to the table. If you're anxious and just move on to the next point in your outline, you miss an opportunity.

Begin with a thoughtful two-footed question... a more thoughtful question on your topic that seeks people's experiences and knowledge connecting to it. Now wait... even when it seems like an eternity.

Here're six brain-based reasons why...

An individual may have...

- developed a process in the basal ganglia to sort out best ideas before speaking.

- been diminished for ideas expressed in public. The person no longer risks saying anything.

- built stronger intrapersonal intelligence skills. Such an individual is prone to reflect first.

- lacked interest in your topic and is bored or unmotivated by the presentation.

- cultivated a competitive spirit, which has been rewarded in past by listening to others' ideas first before sharing his or her wisdom.

- lacked verbalizing skills and not have confidence to share ideas.

As I've had the opportunity to collaborate with Dr. Ellen Weber in MITA sessions, I've watched her amazing acumen to pace. She has the fortitude to wait out the silence... more voice comes to life... and when participants begin to share wisdom, it takes a session to the top...

Ellen says, "Remember it's not what you say at a presentation that people remember... it's what they say!"

Innovation and invention can activate when you step into your confidence and pause...

Thoughts?

Tactics to Jump from the Fear Train!

One wonders why fears appear out of nowhere when life is good. But, what do you do about that? A friend once advised me, "Don't worry, Robyn. Worry doesn't change a thing. It just leaves you frazzled!"

More than once, in a variety of settings, I've remembered her words and tried different tactics to escape. But the strange part is, I thought of my friend as a worrier. Fears can rise to any one of us in the middle of the night though life runs smoothly. In fact research shows that one in four people experience anxiety at some point in our lives.

Worry a special form of fear "Worry is a special form of fear," says Edward Hallowell in a Psychology Today article. "It is what humans do with simple fear once it reaches the part of their brain called the cerebral cortex. We make fear complex, adding anticipation, memory, imagination, and emotion."

What tactics work against unfounded fears that rear their ugly heads in the middle of the night? Here're strategies that work for me... What works for you?

Think on Scriptures At times when I slip and fall into needless worry, if I think of approprite scripture, it changes my perspective very quickly. For example, Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds. [from The Message: The Bible in Contemporary Language] To follow that up by humming a reminder in music helps too... His Eye is on the Sparrow, works really well. Then I give thanks for the many ways God has blessed me. That brings me right back to center and fears soon flee so that I fall back into a deep sleep.

Turn on a National Public Radio station Hearing what's going in Inside Europe, takes my immediate attention off my worries. The facts and information move my mind away from former thoughts. Best part is the speakers' voice often works just like a lecturer and puts me right back to sleep.

Play a round of Virtual Mind Golf Since I love golf and know the inside and out of at least three courses, I begin to play an imaginary game of golf. I imagine the best of all possible shots and try to see how far I advance on the course before I snooze again. Besides, this gives me opportunity to see myself golf like a pro!

Create a Bust the Barriers List When a barrier rises up, I begin to think of all the ways I can bust it. By seeing possibilities and jotting them down, I'm making positive moves forward - especially as I take action.

Stephanie Dolgoff offers 6 Ways to Stop Your Stressing -- Stat! in Self Magazine, November 2007.

Hop off the worry train Just because you have an idea ("I might get fired") doesn't mean you need to ride it to its terminus. ("There are 50 ways I could screw up, and I've got to avoid them all.") Instead, think of a few tasks that will help whatever happens, like bonding with coworkers.

Plan to fret "Take half an hour to worry intensively, then move on," says Penn State professor Tom Borkovec, Ph.D.

Keep a journal Jot down your worry, then in a few days or weeks, write the outcome. What you'll find: Things usually turn out better than you think they will.

Challenge the likelihood of your worry If your husband is late coming home and you imagine he has been hit by a bus, think about the emotion behind your worry. (You are anxious because you love him and want to keep him around.) Once you have identified the emotion at the heart of your worry and allowed yourself to experience it, see if it's a reasonable worry (hint: probably not). Then let it pass rather than allowing anxiety to ruin your quiet night at home.

Peel an orange The next time a thought threatens to snowball into a stressfest, grab an orange or grapefruit. Press your nail into the skin, peel it back and smell the citrus scent, focusing on every sensation. "Rather than worry about the future, you can bring yourself into the moment," psychologist Robert Leahy, says.

Get nostalgic Visualize your key life events of the past 10 years. You probably can't recall the worries linked with these experiences, or, if you can, you may see that most never happened (e.g., you didn't trip and fall at your wedding). Tell yourself that current worries will fade from memory, too.

Neurofeedback Ellen Weber says that neurofeedback works like aerobics for the brain... or mental exercise... that shifts brain-wave patterns.

Ask and Answer Resourceful Questions Here's a question Ellen Weber suggests to get started... Could you relieve stress that leaves most people anxious and frustrated?

People who live in stress, do so when there is loss of control accompanied by anxiety for the future. Fears often trigger stress for people who focus more on past mistakes than on future opportunities ... where infinite potential becomes more a state of mind. Suggest just one doable solution to one problem you face, for instance, and you literally rewire parts of your brain for the next winning solution.

If you'd like strategies to make questions resourceful... check out Wendy Piersall's excellent strategies at Ten Questions to Turn a Bad Day into a Good Day.

I may have missed a really good tactic that works for you...

Let's hear what you do when all's going well at work and life, yet fears suddenly grip your mind...

Photo Credit from Flickr: Speeding Train by swerve.

Fears Can Strike when Life's at the Peak

Happiness is not a brilliant climax to years of grim struggle and anxiety. It is a long succession of little decisions simply to be happy in the moment. J. Donald Walters

Do you ever wake up at four a.m. with thoughts of losing your job or some other calamity that never materializes though things could not be better at work? Fears like this are incredulous. Once a worry takes hold in the night, it's hard to get more zzzzz's. That ever happen to you? I've experienced it at times.

Loss of sleep leaves me drained in the morning. The result - clear thinking eludes me on the job... My head seems cloudy on such days. Strange part is, life is really good and I don't have stingers that might bring fear. So, what's up?

Interestingly, many people live a good life, yet fall into a trap of fear or anxiety. These folks get the notion that when life is good, there's soon to be a downturn, something like going to the top of a roller coaster and then taking a plunge. Do you find you fall into the mindset of "What if..." in the night? You're not alone... In Psychology Today, Edward Hallowell notes that

Worry is amazingly common. At least one in four of us—about 65 million Americans—will meet the criteria for an anxiety disorder at some point in our lifetime. Even those individuals whose lives are going well may worry excessively on occasion.

At its worst, worry is insidious, invisible, a relentless scavenger, roaming the corners of your mind, feeding on anything it finds. It sets upon you unwanted and unbidden, feasting on the infinite array of negative possibilities in life, diminishing your enjoyment of friends, family, achievements, and physical being—all because you live in fear of what might go wrong. People who worry too much suffer. For all their hard work, for all their humor and willingness to laugh at themselves, for all their self-awareness, worriers just cannot achieve peace of mind.

Worries generally don't become realities Dr. Thomas Borkovec, Penn State University researcher discovered that fully 85 percent of the things we worry about never occur.

Reasons people worry "Worriers hope to gain a feeling of sureness," according to Robert L. Leahy, PhD, author of The Worry Cure. "They want to avoid disappointment or staunch a problem before it gets out of control."

Some folks worry because of low self esteem, Alexander Rich, PhD, finds... "Rather than attribute their successes to their lovableness, competence or skills, worriers may say, 'Well, I was lucky that time.' Or 'It's only because I worked 10 times harder than anyone else.' That kind of thinking leaves you feeling inadequate, whatever you accomplish."

On the opposite pole, some people fret because they think they have more control than in reality. Leahy says, "They believe everything is up to them... If you always think, What did I do wrong? you're probably giving yourself too much credit."

Anxiety Survey If you want to see exactly where you stand take the Psychology Today Anxiety Test

Fear and Worry in the Brain Ellen Weber notes that complex systems in the brain control your reactions to fear … research has been breaking the codes lately. Scientists at the Wellcome Trust Centre for Neuroimaging in London recently mapped out mental responses to show how the brain responds to different levels of fear.

The brain's response changes the closer a threat gets. Apparently, unique defense mechanisms are needed depending on the severity of the threat. When threats seemed more distant or less likely to strike brain activity was observed in lower parts of the prefrontal cortex.

This cortex area … just behind the eyebrows … increases activity during anxiety and helps control how you’ll respond to threats. When threats appear closer, your mental activity shifts to an area of the brain that operates more primitive responses – and this is where your brain helps you decide to run or fight.

Amygdala - Brain's emotional center Researchers are noting differences between fear and anxiety... Fear involves a quick hit-and-run process in the brain. Anxiety stirs a slower reaction that lasts a while. Studies show that different parts of the amygdala process anxiety versus fear.

Other research shows...

the amygdala can get information about the emotional significance of an event prior to our awareness of it. If you subliminally present faces expressing fear to subjects, the subjects aren't actually aware of seeing the faces, but the amygdala responds. This makes some sense evolutionarily, because if something is dangerous, you want to have an early-warning system.

Tactics to combat fears and worries... To get over fears and worries we need excellent tactics. Stay tuned for strategies...

What do you do when life is good and fears strike out of nowhere in the night?

Let's hear what works for you...

Top Photo from Flickr: Vaguely Worried Camgirl by merlinman