Listening Beams from the other Side of Questions

Create a connection with people by leaning in and listening intently when they are speaking. ~Heshie Segal

"I'm great," flowed from my lips, just as the clerk began to inquire, "How..."  Since my response came ahead of the rest of the sentence, I had not anticipated what she really wanted to say.  Do you form your next input as others speak?  If we do, we really don't hear.  Good listening is on the other side of asking questions.

As the clerk completed her sentence, "...can I help you,"  I anticipated the familiar, "How are you today," and I was dead wrong.  Because of my mistake, it stopped me in my tracks.  Ever catch yourself doing this?  It's common in our culture to wait for pauses and jump in, unlike conversation in Japan, where speakers pause and answer after they have time to think about what was said.

Interestingly, you can succeed more in business by really listening.  "An executive's greatest asset in growing their business is their ability to listen," according to George Dennis.  He lists three recommendations to help make this part of your leadership style:

Really hear
Rather than rushing in to deliver answers, simply listen.  Stay in the moment instead of thinking about how you'll respond while the other person is talking.  "Hear and understand the need," Dennis recommends.  "Let it soak in and then answer the call."

Promote dialogue, not monologue
Wait until the person is finished speaking and then repeat words back to let them know you are fully engaged in conversation.  It's a way to gain conficence from employees or potential customers, Dennis finds.

Consider body language
Listening is active!  Nods, eye contact, and other reactions give a signal to another person that you listen and hear.  If you look at your watch or avoid eye contact when someone speaks to you, you make employees or clients uncomfortable.

People in the U.S. have a mindset to act and this makes listening difficult, Mary Jo Asmus notes. 

Why? Because listening isn’t considered something that gets results. Our workplaces (understandably) are geared toward taking action to achieve results.

So we’re constantly in motion, taking action because it’s what we (think) we get paid to do. Our days are filled with meetings, phone calls, email, fixing things. We talk TO and AT others and think we’ve accomplished something.

Productive listening does not occur naturally. It requires work and practice.  Tom Lewis and Gerald Graham list these 7 tips for effective listening 

1. Concentrate on what others say
2.  Send nonverval message that you listen and hear
3. Avoid early evaluations
4. Refrain from getting defensive
5.  Practice paraphrasing
6.  Listen and observe for feelings
7.  Ask questions

You can test yourself by giving a peer Lewis and Graham's Listening Quiz.  How do you rate?

1. During the past two weeks, can you recall an incident where you thought I was not listening to you?

2. When you are talking to me, do you feel relaxed at least 90 percent of the time?

3. When you are talking to me, do I maintain eye contact with you most of the time?

4. Do I get defensive when you tell me things with which I disagree?

5. When talking to me, do I often ask questions to clarify what you are saying?

6. In a conversation, do I sometimes overreact to information?

7. Do I ever jump in and finish what you are saying?

8. Do I often change my opinion after talking something over with you?

9. When you are trying to communicate something to me, do I often do too much of the talking?

10. When you are talking to me, do I often play with a pen, pencil, my keys, or something else on my desk?

When you feel like you really connect with someone, you might say you are on the same wavelength. As you focus on the ideas or questions of another person, your brain filters out distracting thoughts to help you focus. But it's your choice.

Listening is a gift you give to others.  Others gain respect and confidence that when they speak, they also feel heard.  You can see how critical the other side of questioning is.  What will you change in the way you listen?